My old friend in Michigan sent this to me the other day, it’s not my work but I agree with it, sorry for the CAPS!

1. IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL , JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

2. RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

3. I’VE DECIDED I’M NOT OLD.  I’M 25 — PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

4. WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS “1” FOR ENGLISH?  DID AMERICA MOVE?

5. WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL.  WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

6. BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

7. LET’S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

8. VEGETARIAN:  ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

9. I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK “REALLY”?  — “THAT’S THE SPERM THAT WON?”

10. IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

11. IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

12. MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

13. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID — AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

14. WE OWE ILLEGALS NOTHING — WE OWE OUR VETERANS EVERYTHING.

15. CAMPING:  WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

16. I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

17. A WISE MAN ONCE SAID … NOTHING.